I was aware of what eating disorders were, and of their consequences. But I also came to enjoy the gratifying sensation that empowered me to have control over my life, or so I thought. Then reality came to slap me right out of that illusion; I wasn't calling the shots -my bulimia was.
I have faced my demons, and I am not scared of them anymore. The inner struggle lives on to the minute I type this blog. I do not purge any longer; it has been a while since the last time I did, but I can't say that it hasn't crossed my mind. It's a voice I haven't been able to shut completely out; it's a never ending fight against the mirror, but I just learned to live with it. It's not healthy, but there isn't much I can do now. I'm a strong bitch, if you must know what my opinion is regarding that subject.
It wasn't until my fourteenth birthday that I got help. I spent two years purging, on and off, breaking mirrors in my house with my bare hands, trying to find something to induce the vomit when my fingers stopped doing the trick, fighting with family members and friends that cared about my well being, and throwing low blows to alienate them all. When I said that there was no one that hated me the most more than myself, I meant it. The drastic change would be obvious to the naked eye, but no one cared to stop and watch my decay because to them, I wasn't any different -I was still being the egocentric bitch that I always was.
How I was rescued on time is something that I can only tell you, but cannot explain in detail. Some people in the background just didn't give up on me and stuck around to get me back on my feet when I needed someone there. I was lucky. I was blessed when they decided to stay even when I tried to kick them out.
I guess the moral of this story, and to conclude this chapter of my life, is that "NO ONE IS FREE TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT WHENEVER THEY WANT; NOT IF SOMEONE CARES ABOUT THEM." That's what certain someone told me once when I considered quitting high school, an anecdote that I might tell you some day.
So friends, I'm still alive for a reason, and while I'm at it, if I see you doing something that may be hurtful to yourself or others, count on me to call you out and bug you until you realize that I care and that I am here no matter what. We may not always be together, or hang out all the time, or talk all the time, but I owe you that much for the memories that we made.